derekhorowitzfandomcom-20200214-history
DerekHorowitz Wiki
Big Daddy Horowitz the Evil Jew with One Big Testicle Big Daddy Horowitz was a soldier at heart. He was born to protect our country and world from the other-worldly threats that threaten our existence on a day-to-day basis. He was like the Men In Black, but worse. He was thick tho so you know what I'm saying "Your a horrible person" - Technical Alteration ☀ ' ' EARLY LIFE AS A LITTLE SPERM ☀ Daddy Horowitz began his victories when he won the sperm race in ancient Egypt. There wasn’t much to win at for the next nine months, and you better believe that he had a dick 3.4 feet long. Many nicknamed him “the ‘Witz”, as he helped coin the phrase “gay”. He came out of the womb a naturally-born pornstar. The doctor saw that he had larger muscles than any other baby in existence (and ever exist). He was taken to the I.C.U and when the nurse came around with baby bottles, Horowitz had his finished off in under a second. The other babies' brains couldn’t handle what they had just witnessed and collectively sh*t their pants. His next victory was on the drive home from the hospital. (Keep in mind that Horowitz was born in 15th century Egypt, born and bathed in the Nile River at the age of 0). He slowly grew into the powerful and manly being who now runs Nobel Middle School, in the 21st century. He ended up becoming close buds with famous historical figures including; Mao Zedong, Adolf Hitler, Donald Trump, Joseph Stalin, and countless others. The first heroic deed he had ever done was when he and his parents were in the family carriage when a band of robbers attacked. Horowitz stayed calm, going into a trance and started dematerializing the carriage into a massive crossbow, utilizing the mutilated horse (that was previously pulling the carriage) as ammunition. (Please keep in mind that this is a mere 20 minutes after his birth) He used this to defeat the robbers. To this day, Horowitz is known as a hero who is feared and loved throughout the world. Even penguins in the freezing Antarctic start quivering with fear each time he expels a student at Nobel. He is an amazing person with no heart but with a soul. Apparently he was a soccer player for Nobel but instead, he was a bench warmer. ' ' Gay''' '''EDGY TEEN YEARS Horowitz is now 12 and has a desire to express his differences. So he used his ‘Witz’ to build a time machine and retrieve a Fall Out Boy Album from the year 2013. He then shaved half of his head and dyed his hair homosexual lesbian colors. After shaving his legs, he then started cutting his wrists to get attention to show his edginess and gayness. Eventually his dad beat him so f*cking hard that he became normal again. Until he f*cked his dad. His dad started squirting "the liquid". He was like "YES ADOLF DADDY'. ' ' BODILY CHANGES After his first nut Horowitz became an animal. He would lock himself in his room for hours on end and come out extremely dehydrated. His parents disowned him after the 13th year because he would, too often, blow things to ashes with his willpower. After leaving his house and living with some hobos for a month Horowitz had the bright idea of using his time machine to retrieve ‘certain publications’ and lock himself in his cardboard mansion for days on end. He finally succumbed to his dehydration. The thing is, Horowitz did not drink water. For him, there was no point in drinking water when, if he unzipped his pants, he had access to a much more thrilling liquid substance 24/7. Of course, he never realized this was unhealthy for himself. Luckily, he eventually ran out of his special liquid in his 20s and was, therefore, forced to go back to consuming water. ' ' MELTED HEART Much like his good friend Adolf (they were on a first name basis) Horowitz was diagnosed with extreme terminal chronic sex addiction. This lead him to get involved with the famous prostitute known as ‘Queen Elizabeth XVII’. They became “Romantically Involved”, although new reports coming in say that Horowitz was actually just paying her off so he wouldn’t be lonely. She had so many STDs that Horowitz became immune to because he injected his d*ck with powerful medicine. (After using his d*ck TO inject things) Sadly for Horowitz, HERPES was missing from the vaccination list, as it was undiscovered in that time period. ' ' FALL FROM GRACE It may seem impossible, but Horowitz was once defeated by the menace known as HERPES. It was just another day at the public pool, where Horowitz spent most of his early 20s, enjoying and reaping the benefits of mid-18th century Greece, after single-handedly conquering several nations. He was with his hot girlfriend Queen Elizabeth the XVII (his large breasted female consort) and was having a grand old time when a hobo broke in through the main entrance of the million-dollar palace and intruded on the party where he did unspeakable things in the pool. Being a filthy hobo (who gets it in) he had many diseases. Horowitz, of course, put his own life first and threw Elizabeth or “Liz” into the pool as a sacrifice to Allah or as we previously stated himself. But he did not realize that his pager was off so he did not receive the prayer from himself. Sadly, leading him to contract HERPES. ' ' THE BLIGHTED YEARS In the next twenty years, he battled the disease HERPES as it battled for control of his ass. Horowitz was smart and so he tricked the HERPES demon and let him think he had won. Then when the demon crawled inside his new home, Horowitz clenched him with all his otherworldly might, suffocating the demon. Within the next decades, Horowitz would eventually master this choking attack while conquering a handful of Mongolian children. (See: “Dark Secret”) ' ' RELIGIOUS LIFE Between 1096 and 1291, Horowitz led all of the Catholic crusades. For a time, he was even the pope and lived in Vatican City. However, his name has since been redacted from the history books as a prominent figure in Catholic history because of the way he abused the children in unspeakable ways. The parents thought his “embedding the holy spirit” into their children was “inappropriate” and “wrong”. Horowitz had to flee from the children he had loved so violently for the past 4 years. Ran to a place called Mongolia. Little did he know that his time spent in Mongolia would change his life forever. ' ' DARK SECRET Unknown to many Horowitz fanboys, he has a secret. You may want to sit down for this next part because what you will learn here today will destroy your view of Horwitz. Anyways, in a blog post to The Horwitz Dark Web , the user 'Fluid Whale' exposes a dark side to Horwitz. We will not post it here because it is too graphic ' ' While he was in Mongolia he developed a little ‘thing’ for small Mongolian children. He did the same unspeakable things to the Mongolian children as he did to the ones in Europe and was, once again, banished. But lucky for Horowitz, Mongolians fold quite well and he could fit exactly fourteen in his suitcase. He bought a nice house in the states with a nice big closet. He put the fourteen Mongolian kids into a nice big Mongolian designer closet and listened to their lovely screams and sadly, their sounds of Mongolian anguish could not be heard by anyone else and only made Horowitz aroused. He had to leave the room to stop ripping open his pants. This is early 18th century Boston. ' ' DEFEAT It was late one night, and Horowitz had just returned from another happy day. He is now living in Boston and the year is 1770. For the first time in a while, Horowitz was happy with his life and his relationship with the Mongolian kids. At that moment though, he realized the Mongolian kids were missing and their screams were no longer coming from his big closet. As officers stormed his house he knew all was over. He had also not had their screams to sooth his slumber so he was very cranky. In a second he grabbed his pickaxe and jumped out the window at mach 18. The things that happened that day were unspeakable and often referred to as “The Boston Massacre” None of the police stood a chance because they were all too busy sh*ting themselves at the sight of his power. ' ' THE WAR TO END ALL WARS Horowitz was in eastern France. He was a member of the all-black battalion called ‘The Harlem Hellfighters’. His friends and he had been in the trenches for the past seven days. It was November 1st, 1918. He woke up to the sound of the enemy’s battle whistle. This meant they would be charging over into the Allied trench. They had run out of bullets and had to fight with bayonets. Horowitz readied himself for the massive battle. The enemy charged over. He stabbed three guys and sucked their blood (for fun). Sadly as his bayonet entered the soft fleshy body of another guy the blade snapped off. He now had to whip out his ‘man bayonet’. It was equally large and caused far more damage; it spit out powerful acids from the main tip. He cleared the germans out of his trench and single-handedly ended the war. ' ' A NIGHT TO REMEMBER Horowitz was feeling down one day, so he decided to go and travel the world. His first trip was to India, the home of f*cking g*ddamn curry (Horowitz is slightly racist). When Horowitz dropped into India, he knew exactly where he wanted to be. For many years, he had idolized the man known as “Mahatma Gandhi”. Horowitz turned on his high tech gaydar which led him straight to Gandhi’s bedroom. He leapt through the window into Gandhi’s bedsheets, hoping for an insightful conversation about many different topics. However, Gandhi had no idea what was happening and so he yelled “Help! A man is attempting to r*pe me!” (In the iIdian language, of course). Horowitz then thought to himself, “you know what? Screw a conversation, I want the real deal.” Horowitz then proceeded to f*ck Gandhi. In the morning, Horowitz was gone. This is the true meaning of Gandhi’s famous quote, “G*ddammit, I was r*ped but nobody believes me” Years later Harvey Weinstein would translate Gandhi’s quote and would realizedthat no one believes r*pe victims. MID-LIFE CRISIS For many, many years, Horowitz felt inadequate after his defeat and the escape of the mongolian children. He felt the only way to be a man was to grow lots of chest hair and a Harley Davidson motorcycle (not sponsored, wish we were) he then beat up people in parking lots for very small reasons to assert his dominance. But this did not make him feel whole so he turned to alcohol. This numbed his pain for a while, but one desperate night he called on of the escaped children. “Hello Wonton (Horowitz is slightly racist) how is your life?” Horowitz said holding back tears. “ It's great,” the boy said. “Wonton, I miss you so much, the way you screamed to soothe me into slumber…” Horowitz had broken into silent tears. For a moment no words were spoken. A silence fell upon the moment. “Papi Horowitz once I left you I began a career in the crack business and I think you could use some” the boy said in an earnest tone. “Alright I’ll try it” ' ' NEED Thus began Horowitz’s addiction. He became a maniac, he swung around like a walrus. He stopped paying taxes and wrote obscenities in feces at local parks. These are just a few examples of his drug-induced mania. He ran out of money soon after, but like the Grinch, he had a wonderful awful idea. He decided to become the principal of a middle school. He would confiscate the drugs in kids lockers and take them for himself. But this led him to heroin, and like Demi Lovato, he had an overdose. ' ' PONDERINGS IN PURGATORY He was dead. He could see the light. But then he realized he was on an operating table and some dumbass nurse hadn’t given enough medicine to keep him asleep. He felt a small metal object moving near his spleen. As a side not,e it had taken the doctors hours to break through his skin because, ONIONS HAVE LAYERS, AND HOROWITZ'S HAVE LAYERS. ' ' ' ' GOOD MORNING, VIETNAM After his drug addiction and massive hospital bill, Horowitz was now a hobo. The year was 1968 and the situation was escalating in Vietnam. Communist forces were rapidly taking control of the country and thousands of men women and children lined the streets with their heads empty as bullets rained from the sky. Americans at home clutched their hearts as they kept up with every single news story about the situation in Nam as their sons were fighting and dying in east Asia. Mr. Horowitz observed from afar. He looked at his trusty pickaxe and gently stroked it, just like his Mongolian kids. He knew this couldn’t go on much longer. That day he went to sign up for battle. Years after the war, in an interview, Derek told the interviewer he never forgot what the army receptionist said. “You’re a damn hero, Horowitz. We can not let those damn Commies win. Godspeed soldier.” Horowitz did not take a plane or boat to ‘Nam. Rather, he got into a squat position and then kicked back his powerful legs into the air. Horowitz took off from Kansas and dropped into central Vietnam at 3a m just in time for a fat bunker siege. Bomb holes and shrapnel turned the jungle landscape into an apocalyptic wasteland like the surface of the moon. Smoldering remains of naked Vietcong and American soldiers were scattered among the Vietnamese rubble. Horowitz clutched his standard-issue M16 as he approached the bunker knowing that what was behind those metal walls was death and fury. He closed his eyes and thought of his freed Mongolian children in America who were rooting for him with their hearts. Renewed with passionate energy, he burst through the bunker, guns blazing. Empty shells dropped to the floor and rolled around. Once all his ammo was spent, he took out his mighty pickaxe, unzipped his pants, and did unspeakable things to the enemy left and right regardless of their gender. Soon, Horowitz alone had cleared out the bunker. As the dust settled, Horowitz realized his fatal error. As he looked upon the bodies he so recently desecrated, he realized they were American troops! This whole time he’d been slaughtering his own boys! He couldn’t believe his mistake. Sobbing, Horowitz put a gun to his head and pulled the trigger. However, they don’t call him Horo-WITZ for nothing. His pure brain power deflected the bullet and he came out of the situation with zero to no injuries. Unfortunately, Horowitz was immediately court-martialed and sent home, put on trial for the death penalty after unintentionally f*cking 400 American corpses like rag-dolls. ' ' FIGHT FOR HIS LIFE This was a scary time for Horowitz. The police had taken away his pleasure pickaxes which Horowitz bought at a sex shop once he got back to Wisconsin, America. All he had left were his ‘witz6 and his will. The judge had sentenced him to the electric chair with no hesitation. For his final meal before the death chair, Horowitz requested a full Mongolian child, because he thinks all Asian kids are “snacks”. Unfortunately for Horowitz, the guard was from Mongolia and took this very seriously. He slapped Horowitz’s d*ck rapidly and without ceasing for a full hour as punishment. Each second, he intensified the torture method. Horowitz was never the same after this experience, mostly because the Mongolian guard never said “no homo” when he was done. (Note: many students attending Nobel middle school notice that Horowitz’s body frame is oddly asymmetrical. Now you know why.) Anyway, Horowitz did not receive a final meal and was rushed to the electric chair. What the judges had not realized is that Horowitz is a force of nature and cannot be killed so easily. After spending so many years in his private Mongolian dojo, his chi was too powerful and therefore turning on the electric chair activated his power. Unfortunately, all of Wisconsin was leveled. It all happened so quickly that even Horowitz managed to sh*t himself on an empty stomach (it was mostly blood and organs). ' ' BUSINESS PLAN Horowitz was in extremely deep sh*t after the events in Wisconsin. He fled the federal government for many years and made his living in the slums of poor India, selling special goods to the “curry eaters” (remember, Horowitz is slightly racist). He was excited to revisit his friend with benefits, Mahatma Gandhi, but unfortunately, Gandhi had died many years ago. Horowitz sold a large spectrum of spanking and whipping implements, which were quite expensive. The ‘curry eaters’ eventually ran out of money (and ‘special liquid’). ' ' RETURN TO THE STATES Horowitz had soon depleted India of all it’s natural resources and curry by the late 70s. This was the downfall of India. The citizens were in chaos. Murderers and r*pists were rampant. Hundreds of thousands of people had gathered in the streets, where they praised Horowitz as a god. Horowitz knew the situation in India would only get worse, so he did not hesitate to get the f*ck out, planning his grand return to the States. ' ' HOROWITZ IN HOLLYWOOD Horowitz had always wanted to be an actor and after his near-death experience, he was ready to try. This was in 2015. He got a casting call to be in the Weinstein company's new movie. To his surprise, the interview was with Harvey Weinstein himself! He was so excited. He walked into the interview and sat on the couch. Harvey walked in. He shut the thick metal door behind him and closed the curtains. Horowitz began to feel uncomfortable. “So you want to be a star,” Harvey said in his deep alpha-male voice. “I can make you a star, but first you have to do one thing for me…” Horowitz pulled out his trusty pocket pickaxes and broke the window and got the f*ck out of there, leaving Harvey in his not-so-tighty not-so-whities. ' ' LAWSUIT Horowitz was the first to testify against Harvey, but sadly freaking SJWs have glossed over him to make it about empowering women. Horowitz could have become a key figure in the #MeToo movement, but the public rejected him because of his sexuality. He went home sadly and did unspeakable things to himself to cheer himself up. It didn’t though and now hir water bill was $500 higher than usual. ' ' NOBEL LIFE AND PRIDE As an ancient society grew and developed into urban life and a new lifestyle, eventually becoming what it is today, so did Horowitz. In fact, his philosophical ideas and thoughts regarding society and the political advances in the world can be found in middle school textbooks. One of the many fascinating traits of Horowitz is his ability to adapt and conquer whatever environment he has been placed into(much like his rival HERPES), a feat only one can say they do: Horowitz. In recent years, Horowitz has become part of a group of people he truly relates to, joining the prestigious kclt known as the KKK. They went on to do the noble work of making the world pure and holy. Sadly freaking SJWs have corrupted their message recently and forced them to go into hiding, which is why Horowitz ended up at Nobel Charter Middle School in the 21st century, where he disguises himself as a typical principal. These days, Horowitz lives alone at home, reaping the benefits of his mid-18th-century workouts in Greece. ' ' ONE DARK NIGHT… Horowitz was walking alone. He had his headphones in and was listening to Demi Lovato while walking down a not-so safe area of town. Suddenly a large man pulled him into a shipping container. He reflected on the cruel irony that he had gone from enslaver to slave. The man began to touch Horowitz on his butthole. He enjoyed it. Then the two passionately began making out and began pounding each other. Horowitz even tried sucking dick. He enjoyed it very much. This is when Horowitz came to terms with his sexuality ' ' ADDICTION Horowitz thought he would never be addicted again. This was true...until the day Fortnite came out and his life was flipped upside down. One day Horowitz was chasing Mongolian children around with a net without care, when one of them yelled out. “I have the power of anime and Fortnite on my side.” “Wait come back” called Horowitz “What is Fortnite” But the child had run off a cliff to escape his m*lesting. He went home and googled it. Five days later had still not left the house and was yelling “I SAID DUSTY DIOIT YOU RETARDED F*GGOT GIT GOOD SCRUB” (Horowitz was also kinda homophobic) The Mongolian kid formed a search party because without Horowitz trying to m*lest them, they were no longer getting in their daily exercise. ' ' “NORWEGIANS FOR KIM JONG” Horowitz had been through alot. He decided he needed a break. He took a trip to Seoul, South Korea because it was as close to mongolia as he could legally get at this point. He was sitting on the plane thinking about Asian children when an announcement came on the PA of the plane. “Ooga Booga” the announcement said. Due to his immense knowledge of Norwegian he knew it meant “This plane has been seized by the Norwegians for Kim Jong association and we will take you to our lord and savior, supreme leader for life and red hot hunk of a man Kimmy Jong.” They then put sleeping gas into the plane’s air system. ' ' THE NORTH KOREAN SITUATION When he awoke Horowitz was in an massive golden room. He was sitting on a chair. He could see small children with toothbrushes scrubbing at the floor. He made a mental note to replace music class at Nobel to “clean the floor with toothbrushes so we don't have to hire a g*ddamn janitor” class. He stood up. All of the children stood up and bowed to him. He walked up to the massive throne. On it sat a small chubbyAasian man. It was Kim ‘Daddy’ Jong Un. He said to Horowitz, “Walk with me”. Horowitz obliged. “We have kept a secret from all other countries” “What is that?” “We have a space program” ' ' MISHAPS ON MARS Horowitz herd the cracking of ice. This meant his cryo pod was waking him up from his 20 year sleep. He was in the high tech spaceship built by North Korea. He stepped into the landing pod. As the pod descended further down onto the red planet Mr. Horowitz relived all his crazy experiences. From Egypt to Vietnam, he has spread across the world faster than he spread the Mongolian children’s ass-cheeks. He stepped onto the sand he took a deep breath. He then realized there was no air on Mars and hauled his fat-ass back to the landing pod to put on his spacesuit. He once again stepped outside. He saw a small village. He saw hot aliens only seen previously on DeviantArt and in Japan. Horowitz went into a blind man rage and ran to the aliens. They asked Horowitz to show them the art of physical love. Horowitz obliged and three days later he ran out of water. He hobbled back to the ship and drank a gallon of water, but the aliens had followed him and wanted more. He tried to fight back but the aliens eventually got what they wanted. Sadly when Horowitz returned to earth, f*cking SJWs turned the story around, saying it that Horowitz had r*ped the aliens. ' ' A WEEDY SITUATION Everybody loved the hot sexy melting Elon Musk. Everyone who knew about his SpaceX program automatically busted a nut. But he had a secret. The funds for the SpaceX program were going towards funding his weed farm ran by AIDS infected African children. Horowitz volunteered to be the person who spreads AIDS to children. He grabbed his special net and ran out across the savanna. He pulled out a full rotisserie chicken and held it above his head and ran through villages. He soon had hundreds of children following him. All he had to do was catch em' all. This is what the net was for. He turned around and slammed his massive net onto the ground. The children began to cry. “Don’t worry kiddoes” Horowitz said “It gets so much worse from here” ' ' THE AFRICAN WATER PROBLEM Horowitz began the slow process of giving the kids AIDS. First, he started by playing “Africa” by Toto on a big loudspeaker. By the end of the first day he had drained his canteen. He then needed water. He walked to the lake. He took a nice long drink. It tasted delicious, albeit slightly unsanitary. He walked back to his hut with a f*cking massive closet. He said “Hi kiddoes who's next?” “Wait”, Said a small boy Horowitz had taken a liking to “You did not drink from the lake near here? Right?” “Yes iIdid” “That is the lake of blight, we do not dare go near there” “Well that's because you’re a little brown boy” (Horowitz is slightly racist) “No that lakes gives you da AIDS” This did not phase Horowitz. He said “Speaking of giving things AIDS...:” ' ' BLUEPRINT FOR ARMAGEDDON The sun has risen on the African continent on the brink of war. Uganda, Nigeria, Kenya, Morocco, and Ghana United together to form “The Allied Forces of Africa” ' ' Allied Forces of Africa flag --> ' ' On the other side of the conflict, the side Horowitz and his trusty pickaxe served on, were the “Fascist States of Africa” Fascist states of Africa ---> ' ' Remember Horowitz’s pal Hitler? This is Horowitz’s way of carrying on his legacy in Africa. ' ' The fascist states consisted of Somalia, Rwanda, Angola, and Sudan. The rest of the counties remained neutral. ' ' THE FIRST BATTLE ' ' Horowitz was the leader of the Nazi Africans and vowed to take over Africa at all costs. Horowitz first lead an army of 200,000 each armed with one weapon: The mosquitoe rifle. Each bullet was filled with a live mosquito and when it was fired at the enemy, it gave the opponent Ebola. The first battle was at the border at Kenya. Horowitz lead his army of stationed Rwandans through Tanzania and lead the Kenyan offensive. Kenya fought with great might but soon succumbed to the Ebola. Then Horowitz went on a killing rampage, murdering all the Kenyan officials the whole time shouting “EAT THAT, YOU AIDS MONKEYS!!!!!” (Again Horowitz was slightly racist.) ' ' THE BATTLE OF WAKANDA ' ' The king of wakanda, T’challa, couldn’t bear to watch Kenya and other Allied Africans get demolished by the Nazi Africans. He knew he had to act and fast. Using all the stored Vibranium ore, he created the most powerful fighting force in human history to defeat Horowitz. The Wakandans have officially entered the war. When Horowitz’s army was fast asleep, the Wakandans sneaked up on the army camp and ambushed them. Lasers shot everywhere, bolts exploded, and bodies flew in all directions. The Wakandans were winning at a rapid pace. Horowitz emerged from his tent with no weapon. T’challa pounced on mr Horowitz. “Who are you?” Inquired Horowitz. “I am ‘Black Pahnther,” said T’challa. (T’challa wasn’t a very good speaker which had everything to do with the fact that he was black) Horowitz knew he had to defeat the \/\/akandans somehow so he took out a piece of paper. “PAPER PICK UP FOR YOU!!!!” Mr. Horowitz shouted with all his might. T’challa started in awe at the pure power of Mr Horowitz’s paper pickup. The Wakandans immediately surrendered. THE TRUCE WITH BIG CHUNGUS After the long fights with the Wakandas, Mr. Horowitz walks calmly into the woods and search for shelter. All of a sudden, a fat rabbit comes out. It was Big Chungus! He had come to save Mr. Horowitz. Big Chungus brought Mr. Horowitz back to Nobel where he could assign paper pickup again. Before the rabbit left, Mr. Horowitz asked, "Big Chungus, how would you like to have a truce with me for I have none. You can help me with the paper pickup." Big Chungus accepted the truce. Big Chungus did not give paper pickup but invaded the classroom while studying. Every time Big Chungus entered, the students shout, "BIG CHUNGUS!!!"' ' ' AFTER YEARS ' ' Not much is known about Horowitz after he won the war. We know he settled down at Nobel finally and started working there. Not much has happened since then. We shall wait and see. all events, people, and locations described in these documents are non-fictional. PEEPEE Best boi has big PP '''''REMEBER ALL HOROWITZ HISTORIANS, THIS IS A WIKI. YOU CAN WRITE YOUR OWN HOROWITZ STORIES AND EVENTS THAT HAPPENED AT SCHOOL AND ELSEWHERE. THE HOROWITZ CANON IS ALWAYS BUILDING AND NEW ENTRIES INTO THIS WIKI ARE GREATLY APPRECIATED. RECENT FINDINGS Photos and videos are a great way to add visuals to your wiki. Add one below! Category:Browse